Readings: Ephesians 4: 25 - 5: 2 `Authenticity is the alignment of head, mouth, heart, and feet - thinking, saying, feeling, and doing the same thing - consistently. This builds trust, and followers love leaders they can trust..` Lance Secretan

Jesus came to show us a new way of being, bringing into existence a new reality. We now have a new relationship with God as a result of the life and teachings of Jesus. We also have a new relationship with each other. To the early church, this included relationships with Jews and non-Jews.

How should this be shown through our actions? Paul, in his letter, spells it out, and it is just a relevant today as it was then.

The passage can be summarized into seven different but overlapping guidelines. We have had Steven Covey`s `Seven habits of highly effective people`, and then the `Seven habits of highly effective families`, so here are the `Seven habits of effective communicators`.

1 Speak truthfully
As God`s people, we are all members of one body. As a family, we are different but complementary. In this context, we are asked to recognise that the body needs a wide range of parts to make it a body. Without all these parts, a body cannot work effectively. Every one of us has a part to play, different from everyone else.

So we need to use our tongues to speak the truth - to build up, encourage, and above all, to announce the powerful and effective truth. Our tongues can be dangerous weapons and we need to carefully discern when to speak and when to remain silent. We need to check out whether, by remaining silent, we are not being truthful.

Working with 4 girls in conflict the other day. Upset crying in the bathroom before school. Note - are you okay? Yes or no. Paused before ticking a box. Spoke outside. Met with 4 girls - series of misunderstandings, led to them believing what they had heard, saying harsh things about the others to friends, friends ferrying messages between these four girls. Causing considerable grief between the girls. When would this have come to the attention of an adult if it relied on one of the girls to ask for help? Silence completely unhelpful. Silence was covering up the truth of what was going on. In the end the girls could apologise to each other and relationships could be restored.
Imagine our homes, our workplaces, our sporting teams, our extended families, and even this congregation being places where people are not put down or attacked or manipulated, but rather built up, loved, appreciated, and forgiven.

2 In your anger, don`t sin
Anger is a normal part of life. It is a feeling of great annoyance or antagonism as the result of a real or supposed grievance. There are times when we are on the end of a grievance. We are allowed to be angry, but it`s what we do with that anger that makes the difference.

The danger with anger is that our reaction can be very harsh, sometimes resulting in yelling at someone, putting them down, calling them names and getting hysterical. Or we can bring up arguments and grievances from the past to make the person feel guilty. Or we can seek revenge. We lash out with our tongue so that we win the argument, put the person back in their place and get our own way.

At school when working with children we identify styles of dealing with people, ways of communicating. There is the dolphin, assertive and positive and caring for others` feelings. The dolphin`s message is that you matter and so do I. There is the shark, aggressive and selfish, concerned only for number 1. I matter and you don`t matter. I need to get my way all the time and I`ll do it aggressively. There is the tortoise, passive, tucking himself into his shell at the first sign of trouble. I don`t matter, only you do. And then there is the stinging jellyfish, passive-aggressive, whose message is that I don`t matter and neither do you. The dolphin looks out for others as well as looking after himself.

We are allowed to be angry, but it`s what we do with our anger that makes the difference.

Anger is usually a second feeling, preceded by pain, hurt, grief, disappointment or a similar feeling. Once we have made this self-discovery we can understand our anger and deal with it. In a school setting, when dealing with children in conflict, the first thing we ask them is not, `What`s going on here?` but `How are you feeling?` It gives children a chance to identify and work through their emotions before thinking about what happened and how they could do things differently. Without this vital step, the anger remains and blocks the ability to think about a solution.

3 Work hard to benefit others
We are the body of Christ. We are aware that there are many other parts of the body. Is what we have ours, or is it the body`s? This challenge is to see what we have not as our own, but as belonging to the whole body. The task of the body is to fill the world with love and compassion. The task of parts of the body is to look after other parts of the body and to work together, as a whole. Our hard work needs to benefit others and we don`t have to look far at all to see people in need, both in our houses, in our street, in our neighbourhood, in our city, in our country and in the wider world. Bill Loader comments that the passage identifies only two responses - generosity or theft. There is no middle ground here. Seeing what we have as ours and belonging only to us is seen as the opposite to generosity, it is seen as theft. With this understanding, we are obliged to share, we are obliged to be generous, for by doing so we support other parts of the body. This is the only way of keeping the body healthy.

4 Speak good, wholesome words
Every speaker has a mouth;
An arrangement rather neat.
Sometimes it`s filled with wisdom.
Sometimes it`s filled with feet. Robert Orben

We sometimes make blunders with what we say. We also make blunders with what we write.

Here are some typos found in Church bulletins …

For those of you who have children and don`t know it, we have a nursery downstairs
Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
At the concert Miss Charlene Mason sang `I will not pass this way again,` giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing `Break forth into joy.`

When communicating, honesty is the best policy. Honesty can also be tricky. Do we need to be honest all the time, and with whom? Are there degrees of honesty? How can we be diplomatic and honest at the same time?

What do we do when our friend, who has just had a haircut that looks like they have just stuck their finger in a powerpoint, asks us if we like their new hair style? Or if a relative is enrolled in an art class and asks you if you like their paintings that look like they are the work of a three year old. There are ways of responding other than saying that you hate it! We can honestly reply, `It is very colourful`, `It looks like you enjoy an opportunity to be creative.` It is important to carefully consider our responses and to ensure they are honest and that they build people up.

But more importantly, we shouldn`t use truth to hurt, manipulate or to exact revenge, to put down, attack or manipulate. We need to speak the truth in ways that heal and build up. We all love hearing words of encouragement, especially from someone we know and trust. Unfortunately, advertising uses language to manipulate people into purchasing a product or to take on a particular point of view. Research has shown that advertisers are now using methods to get children to nag their parents into buying certain products because this works.

This makes it more important for us to be genuine in how we speak to others, and to make sure our message is positive and wholesome. Sometimes we leave these important messages unstated.
Who is someone you could pass on encouraging words to over the week ahead?

5 Please the spirit/don`t distress the Spirit
The ancient world was very aware of how potentially destructive human communication can be. I`m not sure where `sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me` came from, but it is far from the truth. We are quick to believe what we hear and to take on board comments from others. The viral nature of messages passed through the social media is concerning, as is its negative effect on the people who are targeted. We need to be using our communication for good not for harm. Speech is powerful. Our words and our conduct count if we are to live effective lives. Compassion, generosity, and goodness need to become our way of life.

6 Be Kind, Compassionate And Forgiving, Sweep Away Irate Behaviour
Not only our words but our actions also must be kind, compassionate and forgiving. What we say should not be destructive but generous and life-giving. No bitterness, no vindictiveness, no back stabbing, no mud-slinging. Unfortunately sometimes we try to make ourselves look better by talking negatively about others. We push others down to make ourselves feel better, instead of lifting them up. Instead, we must set about becoming big-hearted, compassionate, tolerant, forgiving. Forgiving is not accepting someone`s actions as being okay, not saying that what happened was all right, but freeing yourself and the other person to move on and to learn from what happened with the relationship restored.

7 Imitate God`s Love
The previous six habits can be summarised by this final habit, imitate God`s love.

I heard a while ago that `Imitation is the greatest form of flattery`. When someone complains that the person next to them is using their original ideas in something they designed or basing a piece of writing on something they had done before, I remind them of this. This is a compliment. Of course, this appears trivial and I address this issue with the copier as well. It applies to our lives as Christians, though. The passage calls us to imitate Christ`s attitude of love.

Salvador Dali, great Spanish surrealist painter, said, `Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.`

We are to imitate God`s love. The example is there as plain as day. We know that God is love, and we are challenged to live a life poured out in love. By living this way we confirm who and whose we are, namely a God-centred community with a common goal and purpose in life.

Let us embrace these seven habits of effective communicators:

Speak truthfully
In your anger, don`t sin
Work hard to benefit others
Speak good, wholesome words
Please the spirit / Don`t distress the spirit
Be kind, compassionate and forgiving
Imitate God`s love

By doing these things, we build up the different parts of the body, strengthening the body and making it effective as we share God`s love with the world.